Dec 7, 2012

Well, it’s that time of year! Christmas means secret santas, white elephant, and gift exchanges at your uncomfortable office or family party. Blue Boutique is a great place to pick up a gift that will lighten the mood and get everyone laughing. Don’t be surprised if your gift gets stolen a few times, because deep down these are all things that everyone will want! Here’s a list of gift items under 50 dollars, of varying levels of shock.

Earthly Body Edible Candle Trio
Price: 19.99 (in-store)
Shock Level: 1

This set of edible massage candles will make a really nice gift, no matter who it’s for. It contains three candles in grape, strawberry and cherry flavors that can be used as lickable massage oil when melted.

Body Art Edible Body Paint
Price: 11.99 (in-store)
Shock Level: 2

Express your creative side… all over your lover. These body-safe paints come in four colors and flavors. If you make a mistake, just lick the paint off and start over!

Candy G-String & Candy Posing Pouch
Price: 14.99 each
Shock Level: 3

A great gag gift for males or females, this edible underwear is made from candy much like that found on traditional candy necklaces. One size fits most.

Kama Sutra Sexy Sampler
Price: 22.00 (in-store)
Shock Level: 4

Kama Sutra is one of our best-selling brands. This kit contains everything you need for an unforgettable night, travel-size. The sampler includes Oil of Love, massage oil, warming gel, tingling balm, and a silicone lubricant.

Boobie X-Mas Stocking
Price: 12.99 (in-store)
Shock Level: 5

This stocking, shaped like a pair of breasts, is fully functional, and would be a great gift for anyone NOT living with children.

Fetish Fantasy Furry Handcuffs
Price: 24.99 (in-store)
Shock Level: 6

This cuff is made from a delightfully soft, furry material and is incredibly simply and versatile. It can be used to secure hands or ankles, and utilizes a user-friendly loop-through system. The more the cuffed individual struggles, the tighter the cuff becomes, but it will never cut off circulation. Perfect for beginners, Fetish Fantasy cuffs will add juuuust a little spice to your holiday.

Clone-a-willy kit – vibrating
Price: 68.99 (in-store)
Shock Level: 7

This kit is essentially a mold that will create a life-like replica of anyone’s penis, which can then be used as a vibrator. Also available in a candle-making kit, as well as a more expensive kit which will allow you to recreate a penis in the form of a vibrating dildo.

Love Ewe Inflatable Party Sheep
Price: 24.99 (in-store)
Shock Level: 8

Particularly funny for parties in rural areas. This blow-up sheep has pretty anthropomorphic eyes, a fluffy tail, and a deep love hole. Guaranteed to make your relatives blush.

The Hand
Price: 39.99 (in-store)
Shock Level: 9

This amazing prosthetic is a realistic, life-size hand attached to a forearm. The Hand is positioned for fisting, so it could potentially be used anally or vaginally, at your own risk. The Hand is mainly a novelty item which will no doubt provide lots of laughs at any holiday event. Or it could make people feel really awkward. Feel the room. Be sure to throw in some lube, just in case whoever winds up with this guy gets any ideas.

26″ Travel-Size Granny Love Doll
Price: 21.00 (in-store)
Shock Value: 10

Who said Beauty comes with age? Wrinkles, saggy tits, and broken hips are more like it! Unlike most grannys who knit and bake, this golden oldie has just one thing on her mind – SEX! Shes only 26 tall and waitin for you!

Whether you want something outrageous and disgusting, or something discreet and nice, Blue Boutique can help you find the perfect gift for any occasion this holiday season.

What is your favorite gift to give at your holiday office party?

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Oct 2, 2012

Disclosure: All of these stories are written in first person, however, not all of these stories are my own experiences. (thank jeebus!) I’d like to thank my other Blue Boutique ladies for sharing some embarrassing moments!!!

Spicy fingers

I make some killer homemade bacon-wrapped-three-cheese jalapeno poppers, if I do say so myself! For a treat, I thought I’d make a batch for my boyfriend. I had him assist me in the kitchen slicing and de-seeding the jalapenos like the good little helper he is. While these scrumptious poppers were in the oven, we decided to take things upstairs for a visit to Pleasure Town. One thing led to the other, and he proceeded to warm me up with a good old fashioned finger bang. Things started getting a little TOO warm… I tried to ignore it, as I was close to climaxing. I got so distracted by my orgasm, the next thing I know my clit is on fire! I immediately started crying and yelling, “DID YOU NOT WASH YOUR HANDS AFTER YOU CUT THOSE JALAPENOS?!” He responded all defensively, “Of course I did! I just didn’t scrub them, I guess!” I spent the next hour sitting in a cold bath pouting and trying to cool my clit off.

I Whip my Hair Back and Forth

I have had my eye on THE most bangingly good-looking man EVER for years now. All of my sexy, seductive flirting techniques finally worked! So I go over to his house, we’re watching TV, we have a few beers, then a few more, and we start making out. As I’m straddling him on a chair, I’m holding onto his shoulders and whipping my hair around in circles like I’m in some damn 80′s hair metal band music video. I still picture him in that chair, me thinking I’m being some sex goddess, and him just looking up at me like, “Ew.” So I start giving him head, and this man has his Prince Albert pierced, and gauged to a double zero. His piercing is clinking and clicking on my wisdom teeth and choking me! I stop what I’m doing, take his hand, and lead him to the bedroom. We start boning down, and things are GOOD. He’s on top, and holding me against him, when I feel the first drop. Then the second. Drip drip drip drip drip drip… He started sweating. And not that sexy, light perspiration that happens when you’re banging. He was profusely dripping sweat all over me. AND HE WOULDN’T LET GO OF ME! He’s sitting there, fucking me, holding me against him, and pouring sweat. Into my eyes, my mouth, everything! It was disgusting. It ended up being one of my worst sexual experiences ever.

Graverobber

I started perusing Cutesy-boy that works at a local late-night hang out downtown a little while ago. So one night, I go to the bar with a big group of friends, and invite him out. We play a couple games of pool by the time I realize I’m fairly intoxicated. I turn to him and say, “Want to go ghost hunting?!” So the two of us head off to the graveyard for some spooky fun. I’m all flippy-flopping all over the place, kissing him, falling down, you know, the whole stereotypical-drunk-girl routine. And we find this tree to sit under and start making out. Well that turns into one thing, which leads to another… and he ends up lifting up my skirt and doing it right there! My drunk-ass starts laughing and says, “Oh my god! This is JUST like a Tim Burton movie!” I stop him mid-thrust and say, “Wait. Where’s Johnny Depp?!” Yeah, needless to say, Cutesy-boy and I aren’t hanging out anymore… My co-worker’s theory is that my “vag is now haunted and it scared him off,” and gave me the lovely nickname “Ghost-Pussy.”

Like, Gag me With a Dick…

My husband and I thought it would be nice to go out to dinner one night. We went to this awesome Mexican food place, drank and shit ton of beer, and came home pretty drunk. I was feeling inebriated and generous enough to give him a blowie. He’s all into it, grunting and groaning and what not, when he thinks it would be a good idea to push my head down his dick. He shoves my head down so far that next thing I know, BLEEEEAAAAAARRRRRGGHHHH! He gagged me with his penis. I threw up all of my dinner all over him. In his lap, on his stomach, all over his now-flaccid cock. And of course he freaks out! But, uh, sorry… YOU’RE the one who pushed MY head down! Moral of the story? Don’t force your woman to deep throat you, because she may end up barfing all over your dick.

Sex, Cum, and Tears

My boyfriend and I have been together for a couple years now. He is already pretty well-endowed, but this one day I brought a cockring home! We put it on, and damn! His dick looked good! We bang, finish, and lay there for a minute when he turns to me and says, “Okay, baby. Take it off now.” I sat up and started to pull on it to get it off. Nothing. It wouldn’t budge. To my horror, I realize that the cockring I bought was too small! I tugged and pulled and twisted, but this bugger wasn’t going to move. It was pretty much stuck on there, all twisted and tangled up in his pubic hair. My boyfriend starts crying and yelling, “GET IT OFF! BABE IT HURTS! GET IT OFF!!!!” After a lot of yelling, crying, and tugging, we ended up getting it off eventually, but next time, I’ll get a bigger cockring…

Queen Queefy

I’m just going to start out by saying, I HATE QUEEFING. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. “It’s natural!” or “It’s not your fault!” or “You can’t help it!” Doesn’t mean I ENJOY it! It’s so embarrassing. So the night of my birthday, the guy I was seeing made me a lovely dinner. We eat, have a drink, and then get going with that birthday sex. I’m on top, doin’ my thaaang, and I’m up there for quite some time before we finish. Right as I sit up to get off of him, “pfffffft pbttttttttttt poofffffff.. fff. fff. reeeennNNNN! ErrrrRRrrrrpbbbtttttttTTfffffff!! eeeeerrrrrrrrpppfffftttt!” FOR LITERALLY 45 SECONDS. I just sat there, horrified, and he just stared at me. I immediately starting sobbing hysterically. He ended up laughing at me for crying and making me feel better. But to this day, four years later, I STILL end up crying every single time I queef.

You’ll Shoot Your Eye Out!

I take pride in the fact that I give a pretty mean blow job. One day, I kneel down to treat my husband to a little oral lovin’. As he’s about to climax, he aims for my mouth. Caught up in his bliss, he of course doesn’t make my mouth, and blows his load directly into my open eye. I wear contacts, and all of that sticky spunk got all stuck in my contact and I couldn’t get it out! I had to go to the eye doctor for him to tell me I have a gnarly eye infection, and that I couldn’t wear my contacts for 2 weeks. When he asked what I got in my eye, I just blinked at him and said, “Uuuhhh. Uuuumm… I didn’t clean my contacts for awhile?” I still don’t know if he bought it…

Three’s a Crowd

It was my birthday. I just bought myself a shiny new vibrator and a pack of batteries, and was thoroughly excited to have a little “me” time later that night. One of my close guy friends and girl friends spent my birthday with me at a local festival all day drinking and gallivanting around town. We all took a cab back to my place, and the first thing I do when I walk in the door is rip open the pack of batteries. My guy friend, all curious, takes the vibrator from me, starts messing around with it, and then starts to use it on me. My girl friend walks over and joins in on the fun. The issue is, is I have a problem with threesomes… Once a girl joins, I immediately forget that there’s a male in the room and it soon becomes a twosome. And of course, that happened this night. I got so wrapped up in my girl friend that I completely spaced my guy friend and didn’t even notice him leave. I felt bad, but hey! It’s my birthday!

Damn you, Ikea!

One afternoon, I invited my boyfriend over to hang out since my parents were out for the day. At this time, I was 19, and still living with rather strict and VERY old-fashioned parents. We always took advantage of the few times my parents weren’t home to have sex, since my parents didn’t exactly know I was sexually active yet… I had a bed frame from Ikea, the kind with the metal crossbar supporting the box spring and mattress. Things starting getting a little fast and rough, then out of nowhere, the crossbar broke! The top right corner of the bed had completely fallen to the floor and we were left in the most awkward position about to fall off the bed. The noise alone was startling enough! We started laughing hysterically when all of a sudden, we could hear the garage door opening! I threw his clothes at him and yelled, “GO PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON IN THE BATHROOM BEFORE MY MOM COMES UP HERE! GO GO GO!!!!!!” Right as my mother was walking up the stairs, He came out of the bathroom. I could hear from my room my mother sarcastically say, “What? Did you hear the garage door open and scramble to put your clothes back on?!” Ohhhh, if she only knew…

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Aug 7, 2012

For many people, sex in a public place is one of their biggest fantasies. Whether it’s the change of scenery or the thrill of getting caught, many couples are taking it outside the bedroom and making whoopie in some very interesting places. In case your own imagination is a bit stumped on where to take your next carnal adventure, let me give you a few ideas.

The school library: Whether you’re getting down and dirty in the philosophy stacks or testing out some chemical reactions in the science section, those endless rows of books are the perfect place to “get lost.” And the fact that you have to “ssshhhhhh” yourself makes this campus copulation extra sexy.

In the park: It may be one of the most common places for public lovin’ (songs have even been written about it!), but that doesn’t make this spot any less fun. Under a blanket, wedged in a tree, or late at night on the swings, this foliage filled frolic area won’t disappoint.

The movie theater: I’m not talking about one of “those” theaters, I’m talking about your run-of-the-mill, sixteen screen cineplex on any given Tuesday. Just make sure you pick a movie that’s been out a while and you don’t have much interest in actually watching. Take a seat near the back, wait for the house lights to dim and enjoy the show. Just watch out for those pervy little ushers and their flashlights!

The restaurant: A little under the table hand action can really spice up the usual dinner date, but if you really want to get your “order up” you may need to discreetly sneak away to the restroom. You’ll want to do it in a nice restaurant (think cleanliness), but not too nice because that friendly bathroom attendant might really put a damper on your dirty dining experience.

At work: Well, not MY work, that would be a bit inappropriate, but who hasn’t dreamed of swiping all those important memos and messages off the desk and going at it in the office? Whether you sneak in the boyfriend or seduce the boss, this locale is perfect for fulfilling all those sexy secretary fantasies. Just stay away from the Xerox machine…no one wants to see copies of your ass the next day!

In an elevator: This one can be a bit difficult to pull off, but where there’s a will there’s a way, right? Make sure you find yourself a REALLY tall building, head for the top floor and you’ll give new meaning to the term “going up.” Just make sure you’re ready to act all nonchalant if you hear that door bell ding.

In the car: From road head to backseat bumpin’, almost everyone has had some sort of sexy car experience. The beauty of a vehicular rendezvous is that you can do it in all kinds of crazy places without being completely exposed. Just pull off the road and rev up your own engines!

If this has piqued your interest and you are considering an illicit alfresco adventure, make sure you stop by the West Valley Blue Boutique beforehand to pick up some useful supplies, i.e., lube and crotchless panties. Friction is definitely your foe when you are trying to keep it quick and discreet, so handy, single-use packs of lube are a definite necessity. As for those crotchless panties, pair them with a sexy little skirt and your ready for fun – anytime and anywhere!

WARNING: It may be fun to do it in public, but please be aware that it IS illegal. If you are caught, there could be some very serious and less than pleasant consequences. Hump at you own risk.

 

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Jun 26, 2012

Ever wondered what it’s like to work in a sex shop? Well, you must not be the only one because I’m constantly being asked a slew of questions about what it’s like to work in and manage the West Valley Blue Boutique. Here are a few of the most common ones I get.

Is it strange to look at this stuff all day?

Does “regular” sex bore you now?

Are there a lot of creepy people that come in here?

Does it make you desensitized to work here?

This has got to be the best job ever, right?

My answer is generally the same to all these questions…I’m just used to it.

Yes, my job is pretty damn fun, but mostly because I get to work in an easy-going environment with some really awesome people. It has good days and bad days though – just like your job. And while the adult products can be quite daunting and intriguing at first, it doesn’t take long for the novelty to taper off. This doesn’t mean the products we have aren’t exciting to me anymore, it just means I don’t stand there all day looking around in awe of the place. You quickly start to figure out what is good and what is just so-so. Though if there is something new and exciting that comes in you can bet we are all over it – which is why you should definitely ask our advice!

As for being desensitized, yes, I suppose that happens to some degree. Like I said, you just get used to hearing and seeing things that may not be a part of other people’s daily routine. Cockring. Dildo. Anal beads. These are all things I talk about and look at daily without a second thought. It may not be normal to anyone else, but it is normal to me. Does this mean that I only want crazy things in the sack and “normal sex” isn’t appealing anymore? Not at all. What does that even mean? I’m more aware of all the interesting options available, but my I figure out my personal preferences just like any of you.

What about the really strange stuff and the creepy people? Well, I can’t lie, we definitely do get some unusual characters in here (remember my flasher?), but honestly not much more than you would get at any other retail store. And as for the odd requests and questions, as long as it’s legitimate it rarely surprises us and we are happy to talk about it. When people tell me they have a strange question I always reply with “unlikely,” because after working here for 10 years, I have truly heard it all.

“Oh you need a gallon and a half of lube for your orgy this weekend? Right this way.” or “You’re looking for electrically charged nipple clamps? No problem, let me show you the options.”

These are phrases I have undoubtedly said while working, without even the slightest hesitation.

While it may all seem like the same ol’ stuff to me, I do get a reminder of my skewed sense of reality every time I go to a bar or restaurant with co-workers. A little “work conversation” and suddenly heads are turning and eyebrows are being raised all around us. I guess pussy and ass isn’t a phrase usually uttered at the dinner table, but what can we do, we’re just used to it!

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May 2, 2012

Everyone at Downtown Blue Boutique just loves bazongas. The girls are great because they come in all shapes and sizes. Even if you don’t love other peoples’ naughty pillows, you probably love your own set of twins.

Here are some fun facts about titters!

• The world’s biggest jugs are a size 38KKK.
• When aroused, blinkers swell up with blood and get erect. Sound familiar?
• On average, the erect nipple is as tall as a stack of five quarters.
• Smokers will have saggier sandbags than non-smokers, because the chemicals in cigarettes break down the body’s elastin.
• Male bubbies possess mammary glands as well, so although it is rare, men can lactate.
• Everyone has some nipple hair. Each woman has between 2-15 dark, straight strands growing around her mosquito bites.
• The average milk jug weighs about one pound (each).
• Women are legally allowed to go topless in public in Hawaii, Texas, Ohio, New York and Maine.
• The left knocker is usually slightly bigger than the right.
• Regularly exercising the pectoral muscle in your chest can help to make your hooters perkier and create the illusion of cleavage. Try push-ups and chest presses!
• Sleeping facedown can alter the shape of your sin sacks over time.
• The average melon size in America is a 36C. 15 years ago it was a 34B.
• 250,000 air bags are augmented each year.
• Your cans could save your life! In 2009, a woman’s implants caught a piece of exploding rocket shrapnel in her chest. Without her boobs, she would have been struck in the heart and died!

At Downtown Blue Boutique, we have all sorts of great stuff to tantalize your ta-tas. Check out our fabulous jewel nipple decorations! Find some cute lingerie that will allow your headlights to peek out! Smear on some Nipple Nibblers that will make your tidbits tingle and taste delicious! Torment your twangers with a pair of nipple clamps, or titillate them with some vibrating pasties. Whether you currently own a pair of chesticles, or are on the lookout for a peek at the pantry shelves, stop by Downtown Blue Boutique to celebrate the wonderful creation that is titties.

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Apr 21, 2012

Here at the West Valley Blue Boutique, nothing gets us quite as fired up as catching a shoplifter! It affects our business and therefore our jobs, so we definitely keep our eyes peeled for people trying to steal our awesome merchandise. And it always seems like shoplifters try and steal the most ridiculous things. Why sir, would you try and get away with a $3.00 sticker when you have a wallet full of $20 bills? What about the gaudy Mardi Gras mask I had people try and stuff in their purse in the middle of June…don’t thieves know that holiday is months away? I guess it’s safe to say that most of the people we catch shoplifting are not exactly captains of industry.

Take our most recent offenders for example. Just a few nights ago we had the pleasure of dealing with a very interesting couple who thought it would be no big deal to steal from us…boy were they wrong! The woman, who came in with her boyfriend, was several months pregnant and apparently looking to spice things up with some of our lingerie. But it seems that she didn’t really want to pay for it. After trying on several items of lingerie and a teeny weeny bikini, the couple decided they needed to go outside for a smoke. Yes, you heard me correctly, unfortunately. After another one of their breaks, as well as the man going outside several other times to “check” on his dog, my employees began to get suspicious.

They checked the inventory count on a babydoll that they let the woman take in the dressing room and guess what…we were missing one. My assistant manager asked where the item had gone to and both people told her it had been put back. Not really believing them at this point, she went to the area they had spent a lot of time and start inspecting everything. She gave one of the robes a little shake and Voila!, out came broken pieces of one of our large sensor tags. With her suspicions more or less confirmed, she had the other sales associate keep the couple occupied while she called the police and explained the situation.

The police were here in no time – which you would hope considering the station is less than a block away – and questioning the couple. Despite the fact that the lady was pretty “out of it” and barely coherent with the police, it didn’t take long for them to find out that they had outstanding warrants. Apparently, this wasn’t their first go-round with criminal activity! After searching the car and finding a bra, shoes and the missing babydoll (all ours) along with some random porn (surprisingly, not ours) and a dog (that part was true at least!), the police had enough to take these two on down to the station. After animal control took the dog away and the police impounded the car, the sales girls could finally finish up and go home to decompress from the evening’s excitement.

The next day my assistant manager, who was still pretty amped about catching the shoplifters, managed to look up our offenders on the County inmate website. The man had been released, but our lady perpetrator was still behind bars because it turns out she had two prior convictions for the same crime. Three strikes you’re out I guess, or in, as the situation may be!. And $25,000 is a pretty high “get out of jail price tag” for anyone.

So ladies and gents, the moral of this story is please don’t try and shoplift from us. Our sleuth skills are strong, so more than likely we’ll figure you out and make you pay. And if by some strange chance we don’t manage to, don’t forget about karma…she can be a real bitch!

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