Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Everyone at Downtown Blue Boutique just loves bazongas. The girls are great because they come in all shapes and sizes. Even if you don’t love other peoples’ naughty pillows, you probably love your own set of twins.

Here are some fun facts about titters!

• The world’s biggest jugs are a size 38KKK.
• When aroused, blinkers swell up with blood and get erect. Sound familiar?
• On average, the erect nipple is as tall as a stack of five quarters.
• Smokers will have saggier sandbags than non-smokers, because the chemicals in cigarettes break down the body’s elastin.
• Male bubbies possess mammary glands as well, so although it is rare, men can lactate.
• Everyone has some nipple hair. Each woman has between 2-15 dark, straight strands growing around her mosquito bites.
• The average milk jug weighs about one pound (each).
• Women are legally allowed to go topless in public in Hawaii, Texas, Ohio, New York and Maine.
• The left knocker is usually slightly bigger than the right.
• Regularly exercising the pectoral muscle in your chest can help to make your hooters perkier and create the illusion of cleavage. Try push-ups and chest presses!
• Sleeping facedown can alter the shape of your sin sacks over time.
• The average melon size in America is a 36C. 15 years ago it was a 34B.
• 250,000 air bags are augmented each year.
• Your cans could save your life! In 2009, a woman’s implants caught a piece of exploding rocket shrapnel in her chest. Without her boobs, she would have been struck in the heart and died!

At Downtown Blue Boutique, we have all sorts of great stuff to tantalize your ta-tas. Check out our fabulous jewel nipple decorations! Find some cute lingerie that will allow your headlights to peek out! Smear on some Nipple Nibblers that will make your tidbits tingle and taste delicious! Torment your twangers with a pair of nipple clamps, or titillate them with some vibrating pasties. Whether you currently own a pair of chesticles, or are on the lookout for a peek at the pantry shelves, stop by Downtown Blue Boutique to celebrate the wonderful creation that is titties.

Here at the West Valley Blue Boutique, nothing gets us quite as fired up as catching a shoplifter! It affects our business and therefore our jobs, so we definitely keep our eyes peeled for people trying to steal our awesome merchandise. And it always seems like shoplifters try and steal the most ridiculous things. Why sir, would you try and get away with a $3.00 sticker when you have a wallet full of $20 bills? What about the gaudy Mardi Gras mask I had people try and stuff in their purse in the middle of June…don’t thieves know that holiday is months away? I guess it’s safe to say that most of the people we catch shoplifting are not exactly captains of industry.

Take our most recent offenders for example. Just a few nights ago we had the pleasure of dealing with a very interesting couple who thought it would be no big deal to steal from us…boy were they wrong! The woman, who came in with her boyfriend, was several months pregnant and apparently looking to spice things up with some of our lingerie. But it seems that she didn’t really want to pay for it. After trying on several items of lingerie and a teeny weeny bikini, the couple decided they needed to go outside for a smoke. Yes, you heard me correctly, unfortunately. After another one of their breaks, as well as the man going outside several other times to “check” on his dog, my employees began to get suspicious.

They checked the inventory count on a babydoll that they let the woman take in the dressing room and guess what…we were missing one. My assistant manager asked where the item had gone to and both people told her it had been put back. Not really believing them at this point, she went to the area they had spent a lot of time and start inspecting everything. She gave one of the robes a little shake and Voila!, out came broken pieces of one of our large sensor tags. With her suspicions more or less confirmed, she had the other sales associate keep the couple occupied while she called the police and explained the situation.

The police were here in no time – which you would hope considering the station is less than a block away – and questioning the couple. Despite the fact that the lady was pretty “out of it” and barely coherent with the police, it didn’t take long for them to find out that they had outstanding warrants. Apparently, this wasn’t their first go-round with criminal activity! After searching the car and finding a bra, shoes and the missing babydoll (all ours) along with some random porn (surprisingly, not ours) and a dog (that part was true at least!), the police had enough to take these two on down to the station. After animal control took the dog away and the police impounded the car, the sales girls could finally finish up and go home to decompress from the evening’s excitement.

The next day my assistant manager, who was still pretty amped about catching the shoplifters, managed to look up our offenders on the County inmate website. The man had been released, but our lady perpetrator was still behind bars because it turns out she had two prior convictions for the same crime. Three strikes you’re out I guess, or in, as the situation may be!. And $25,000 is a pretty high “get out of jail price tag” for anyone.

So ladies and gents, the moral of this story is please don’t try and shoplift from us. Our sleuth skills are strong, so more than likely we’ll figure you out and make you pay. And if by some strange chance we don’t manage to, don’t forget about karma…she can be a real bitch!

You might think working at a sex shop would be way more interesting than your job…and sometimes you would definitely be right! While it’s not nearly as creepy or strange as most of you might think, it does have its fair share of entertaining moments.

Take my recent Flasher for example. Last week, I had a man come into the store, introduce himself to me and then wander off to look around. I guess he needed a few moments to work up a little nerve…or something like that. After a few minutes he walked up to the counter, unbuttoned his trench coat (I know, I know) and asked me a question to get my attention. Well, imagine my surprise, and horror, as I walked over to answer him and realized that there was something hanging out of his pants that shouldn’t be. “Put that thing away right now!” I remember saying, as I point to the door. “And get out before I call the police.” He stuttered sheepishly for a second and tried to act like maybe it was an accident or something. Like anyone would walk into a store with their pants unbuttoned and their private parts hanging out “accidentally.”  Yeah, right dude. As I was hurriedly escorting him outside, in order to protect the eyes of unsuspecting customers, he got up the nerve to give me one final thought: “I don’t know what the big deal is,” he said, “this is a sex shop.” I again mentioned the police and away he went.

Yes, flasher man, this IS a sex shop. That means we sell sex toys and give appropriate advice as needed. It does NOT mean we want to see your junk. The same laws that apply out there apply in here. It is illegal to be flashing your genitals to unknowing (and unwilling!) parties, whether you are in the grocery store, the mall or the Blue Boutique.

Like I said, this place can definitely shock and surprise you at times, but I suppose it just comes with the territory. At least I always have the best work stories to tell my friends at the end of the day!

From time to time, customers will come in and tell us some weird facts that we’ve never heard before. Let’s just say, there are definitely some strange ideas and laws out there concerning sex. While some of the things we’ve heard are simply funny or ridiculous, others can actually be quite frightening. Many places have old laws on the books that are rarely enforced, but other countries follow these crazy regulations right down to the letter. We did a little research on some of this wacky stuff and wanted to share it with you. Hope this gives you a good chuckle!

All over the world, including right here in the good ‘ol U.S. of A, the powers that be try and regulate how we copulate. Here are a few prime examples of their meddling ways.

• In Rombach, Virginia it is illegal for people to have sex with the lights on. I’m pretty sure the jail population would skyrocket if they were actually enforcing this one!
• A law in Washington state declares that it is against the law for anyone to have sex with a virgin. Technically, that would even include their spouse on the wedding night. How is anyone ever supposed to get their V card taken???
• In our nation’s capitol, Washington D.C., the only legal sexual position is the missionary position. Leave it to the government to make sex as boring as possible, right?

Even though most of society looks down upon bestiality, there must be a few people out there with some lusty thoughts about animals if someone felt the need to enact the following laws.

• There is a law in the middle east that states “after having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh.” Do you think there is some mother out there who has to tell her kids “sorry guys, we WERE going to have lamb chops, but dad got a little frisky” Eeeewww…
• In Florida it is illegal to have sex with a porcupine. Who would even want to try this one…ouch!!!

• It is against the law in Minnesota for a man to have sex with a live fish. Does that mean it’s okay for women?

In some countries, sex and the people you have it with are highly regulated and can come with some pretty stiff consequences. Be glad you don’t live in one of these places!

• Masturbation is a big no-no in Indonesia – the penalty for it is decapitation. I guess the Blue Boutique wouldn’t last long there.

• A betrayed wife in Hong Kong is legally allowed to kill her husband when he cheats on her, but must do so with only her bare hands. You know what they say about a woman scorned, right?

• In Limon, Costa Rica both adulterous parties are in for real trouble – they are both subject to being beaten and then drowned. Doesn’t seem worth that lusty affair, does it?

And of course there are just those laws out there that are completely ridiculous. Makes you wonder if somebody was drunk the day they made up these ones.

• Saleswomen in Liverpool, England can be topless while they are selling you things – but only at a fish store. Hmmm, well at least they wouldn’t get their shirts wet reaching into those tanks all day.

• In Bozeman, Montana there is a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex, in the front yard, after sundown – if they are nude. Does that mean if you’re gay and it’s daytime that it’s game on?

• No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. A little crazy, but can’t really say we disagree!

 As crazy and backward as most of us think Utah is, this is a good reminder that we’re not the only ones who have some crazy ideas about sex. So enjoy what we’ve got and remember, it could always be worse!

February is Downtown Blue Boutiques favorite month of the year! It seems everybody starts to feel a little SEXIER just as soon as January ends. With Valentine’s Day just around the corner we thought we would share some cool sexy facts ….

Did you know…???

• Sex burns 360 calories a day.
• Performing the act of fellatio massages the jaw while burning anywhere from 30-50 calories per session.
• There are approximately 100 million acts of sexual intercourse each day.
• The typical person spends about 600 hours having sex between the ages of 20 and 70.
(Those numbers must go up in February!!!)

• For every ‘normal’ webpage, there are five porn pages.
• Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England – but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)
(There’s porn on the web?? Who knew?? We only went online to research a trip to a Liverpool tropical fish store!! )

• The earliest known illustration of a man using a condom during sexual intercourse is painted on the wall of a cave in France. It is dated between 12,000 and 15,000 years old.
• Viagra was released in 1998 with over $411 million in profits within its first three months.
• On average, it takes two tablespoons of blood to get a man’s penis erect.
• A man will ejaculate approximately 18 quarts of semen, containing half a trillion sperm, in his lifetime.
(Wow that’s a lot of semen! Downtown Blue Boutique sells a pill for men called Xplozion that will actually increase production of semen. It also intensifies climax and helps you be multi-orgasmic. That would be at least a few quarts more a lifetime, right? More semen means more climax. We say..yes, yes,yes!!)

• A man’s beard grows fastest when he anticipates sex.
• A lot of sex can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
• Semen contains zinc and calcium, both of which are proven to prevent tooth decay
(See, it’s probably easier to breathe and smile a big white smile in February too! Has your man been looking a little scruffier that usual this week???)

DOWNTOWN CANT WAIT TO SEE YOU EARLY THIS YEAR…SINGLE OR ATTACHED WE CAN MAKE THIS FEBRUARY THE SEXIEST EVER!!

Have you ever wondered what you get your significant other for Valentines day? Blue Boutique has the perfect answer for your Valentines day shopping. You can find a Blue Boutique Near you at:

blueboutique.com/

Special Thanks to Everyone Involved:
Tony Martinez – Co-Producer & D.P.
Jason Vance – Co Producer, Writer & Photographer
Jared Numbers – Key Grip
Craig Lowe – The Husband
Amy Hooker – The Wife
Amanda Meyers – Sales Clerk
Frank Bailey – Announcer
Amy Bailey – Announcer